“You cannot be a powerful and life-changing presence to some people without being a joke or an embarrassment to others.”― Mark Manson, Models

Disclaimer: All views expressed on this blog are my own based by my experience and do not represent of any entity with which I have been, am now or will be affiliated.

December 02, 2020 – Panamericana Singapore

Everyone of us wants to meet the right guy. But few of us don’t want to become one. Few of us don’t want to take the responsibility in doing the needed action of finding him.

2 years ago I began on a mission – to find the right guy for me. I probably obsessed too much over to this part of my life where I already have my no bullshit guide in finding him. It is still a wonderful journey of discovering the robust vision of who I am.

After stumbling through unhealthy relationships over the next. I have learned that in order to find someone amazing, you have to become an amazing person first.

I am going to share some of my no bullshit guide in dating. I still use it even times of pandemic.

#1 It’s because of you 😛

Finding a guy is not just about finding a guy. It is about living a life. People who live passionate lives are inherently sexy and attractive.

I always believe that the key to making it work is the balance between being high value and being proactive.

It’s absolutely comical when people suggest that Mr. Right might be gallivanting around on a different continent, urging me to broaden my search. Forget that advice; men are as ubiquitous as pigeons in the park, and I can stumble upon them anywhere, from the grocery store to the laundromat. So why limit myself to a specific locale when the world is my dating playground.

For the longest time, I pointed fingers at the world around me—the environment, the people, and the circumstances—for my struggles in meeting guys, yet nothing changed. But the real revelation? It’s all on me. When we own up to the areas we need to grow in ourselves and take charge of our emotions and choices, connecting with others transforms into a delightful, uncomplicated adventure.

You can only fill your own cup with self-care and compassion. When you exude this kind of charisma, people will naturally gravitate toward you. How you feel about yourself is conveyed to everyone around you.

I’ve stopped fretting about the result and now see this endeavor as part of everyday life. The most valuable realization? Understanding myself better while seeking my match. If progress brings me happiness, then I’ll happily keep pushing forward.

#2- Don’t wait, create.

The worst advice I have ever received was to wait for the right person to come along. The perfect time to start is always now, today. Nothing is gained by waiting until all circumstances are just right before we take action.

We always make excuses that we can’t talk to anyone because of certain reasons, this procrastination is common. I once had this before where I gave a bunch of excuses – I ended up wasting my time and making no progress.

You can meet people everywhere – coffeeshop, elevator, library, movie house. People especially men are everywhere.

I have set a ritual that whenever I go out I have to meet and talk to anyone and get their names. I always make it a point to establish ritual and make a narrative that I found love because I set out to find love and make it happen. I always want to put myself on the path of luck.

Putting myself out there has led to making friends, securing a job, dating wonderful men, acquiring new skills, gaining fresh perspectives, and ultimately, boosting my self-confidence.

Those who choose to wait are often playing it safe, avoiding the risk of rejection. However, embracing rejection can be a potent catalyst for building self-confidence. By navigating through rejection, one can emerge with a newfound sense of resilience and inner strength. For those who wait, only two outcomes await: the wrong thing or nothing at all.

#3 – Playing Hard-to-Get is a myth

My eyes are already rolling when a person tells me to do this. This is one of the worst tactics in getting the guy. Pretending you are uninterested or always too busy. Being aloof is playacting. The attraction is built towards the chase not about me. When a woman relies heavily in creating attraction just by the thrill of the chase, she is often pursued by men who has low self-respect who just wanted to get laid.

From my perspective, taking the initiative is perfectly acceptable. You don’t need to fulfill all the expected actions typically assigned to men. Just a subtle hint, a small gesture, is often adequate to communicate that it’s alright for him to engage in conversation with you. Drawing from my own experiences, I’ve observed that men can struggle to interpret the nuances of body language cues. Instead of confidently navigating social interactions, they often approach with caution, aiming to avoid any potential embarrassment.

It’s a common misconception that men are naturally confident in approaching women. In reality, many men harbor their own insecurities in these situations. Despite their genuine interest, they may feel hesitant to initiate conversation.

However, a simple gesture—a friendly greeting, a captivating glance—can be enough to signal to him that it’s safe to approach you.

After reading this blog, if you’re eager to explore this topic further, don’t hesitate to reach out. I’ll put you under my wing haha 😉

#4 Build social network

We need to build social network. Building a social network doesn’t mean we go out every night of the week. It just meant we have to make our social time, a quality social time. It is not about the amount of time we have, it’s about the intensity with which we use it.

I always make sure when I go to parties, bar or social function I talk to people. I don’t waste the day or evening standing around and staring at my phone or flock to cover like mice in the corner. I always go to networking event to exercise my social muscle. Although at times I get nervous too – I just slow it down, make some eye contact and smile. It always begins with small interactions. When it is not a great crowd, I can always go home. 🙂

Have friends that when you go to parties they don’t mind you talking to a lot of people and encourage you to go out and have fun once in a while. Don’t choose people who make you feel guilty when you are enjoying the night but they are left in the corner drinking their iced lemon tea. haha

#5 – Say yes to things

People are always inviting us to events, but we always say no because of different reasons – we’re too busy, we don’t have the time and energy or simply because it is not our thing.

I was this girl before. While I was reading The Yes Man book I had an epiphany and I started saying yes to new things, new hobbies, opportunities and life. I even hiked the highest mountain in Southeast Asia because I just said yes.

What I’m getting at is that saying yes can broaden our horizons and provide opportunities to flex our social muscles. It exposes us to a multitude of interactions, offering a wealth of topics to discuss. When you encounter someone you genuinely connect with, conversation flows effortlessly and feels entirely natural.

#6- Online dating is not the only way to find and meet people

I am a big proponent of a flesh and blood connection. Although dating app is a tool that we can use to filter men who want to date and it is not impossible to find the love of your life there – I just don’t only use dating apps to just meet men.

I am a bit romantic when it comes to my love life. I want it to grow organically not based on just an app. I want to share a narrative that I met him one day doing the thing that we both like, we found each other attractive, we exchanged names, numbers, flirted, have great dinner, have steamy sex and brunch after 🙂 And yes let’s not forget beer. 😉 This risk taking approach is the beauty of meeting people on the outside world.

I value my time so much and online dating for me is a lot of first dates, too many options accompanied by bios that really don’t matter in the long run and heavily edited photos.

If ever you are going to use dating apps, just make sure you meet in person and use a paid app – so you can filter men who want to get laid vs those who want to connect.

#7- Be a great storyteller to connect deeply

Every relationship always begins with a conversation, so we just need to start making too many of them.

It is only not where we go but what we do when we are there. Exposing ourselves is one thing but it won’t help if we go out and glued ourselves in one corner of the room. Being sociable has nothing to do with whether you are an introvert or extrovert. Talking to people is a skill, it is not changing who you are.

I am an introvert. I like to be on my own at times. Whenever I go out and meet a lot of people I wanted to be alone in a week. I can be an extrovert because I have already developed that skill of enjoying the outside and human interaction. I am still in the process of improving that skill until now.

Whenever I see people who are good conversation starters, I always think that they are just good because they do it regularly. They are not good because they have some magical method or great conversation pieces.

I went to a networking event last year. 2019 was the year when I started taking risks and saying yes to things. During that time, I had a few conversations about people who travel a lot and there I found out that I can’t even connect because I have only been to Bintan for the past 3 years of my life working here. It was so funny now thinking about it because of that I have gone to places now. I realized that you don’t have to be there to know, you can read a book. You don’t have to be an expert in a particular activity to talk about it, just by doing it once you can be sharing a lot.

It always starts by being interested in the conversation. A lot of my conversations go nowhere. I had a lot of awkward conversations. It doesn’t mean that when I talk to someone he would be the best person I would ever meet.

In order to connect to someone, you don’t have to ask too many questions like a job interview or getting a police report. You do it because it is better for your soul, you want to give value not take away from them. I don’t fear the outcome, my only intent is to be sociable.

#8 Get good at being rejected

The thought of speaking to a stranger that happened to be particularly attractive, smart and popular feels impossible to me.

People around me before had screwed up beliefs that the only reason you should be talking to someone was because I needed some practical reason to or they would think that I was creepy if I smiled at them or talked to them. I also believed this too.

I struggled social anxiety when I was young and until I reached my adult life. I just stayed home and watched TV or listened to songs repeatedly. My life was driven by fear.

My emotions were defined by reality. Since it felt like people didn’t want to talk to me, I came to believe that people didn’t want to talk to me. I was also defined by people’s perception of me – a needy behavior.

What I have found out is that I put men in pedestal. For me, they are just good looking and the guy I want has other traits and values than just good looks and perfect chiseled abs.

I always have the mindset when I go on dates that instead of putting so much thought if they would like me, I should wonder if I’d like them first. It reduces the anxiety and helps me think clearly. If anything goes wrong, at least I can move on and found out sooner that he is not the right guy for me.

#9 – Neediness is a major turn off

Neediness is when a person places a higher priority on other’s perception of her other than her perception of herself. A non-needy person will primarily be motivated by embodying her own values and beliefs.

I should not be willing to sacrifice my own thoughts, feelings and motivations for someone else more than they sacrifice for me. A woman with a lot of neediness is like a woman with bad breath and no teeth.

Highly needed women will often be in a relationship with highly needed men.

#10- Have an abundance mindset

When you meet a lot of men, you put less focus in just one guy. In that approach, I help put the odds in my favor.

Scarcity makes us settle. If you believe that there aren’t many good guys out there, you’ll invest far too much in the first decent man you will meet even if he is far from being the right one. For me options lead to choice and confidence.

I usually do this on dates, I go out a lot and meet a lot of men. And then I filter them. The guys going on the next stage are the guys who I am attracted and so on until I just reach one guy. It is so much fun.

It’s okay to have options but once you are intimate with one, be prepared to let go of the other options so you can already focus with the one you are intimate with. Men, not all but if they know you are exercising your other options while being intimate with them would typically go away.

#11 – Vulnerability is sexy

When people hear about the word vulnerability, they always associate it with weakness. Being vulnerable does not mean you have to share your deepest insecurities and secrets. It is just by putting yourself where you can be rejected, asserting an opinion that can hurt others, introducing yourself to people you don’t know. To me it is very courageous and builds up inner confidence.

For my entire life, I was terrified of people not liking me. The thought of people rejecting me makes me cower in bed and think about it a lot. As a result, every aspect of my life revolve to people-pleasing and blaming others. And because of that, I had no success with men and in life.

Being vulnerable is scary, embarrassing, and difficult. The first time that you are going to try to talk to the person you like and rejects you will be a painful process – a nerve wracking moment. But it will only get better once you put yourself out there and embrace the process.

Training yourself to be out there and do vulnerability does not happen over night. We should always take rejection as opportunity for growth. We accept and move on. Life will be a lot easier when we let go and be open.

#12 – Don’t be the guys best girl buddy, be the bitch he wants to fuck.

People get stuck in a dreaded friendzone. Some women are gifted at becoming a guy’s bestfriend. They have endless supply of male friends whom they hang out with but their relationship is stuck there and not going romantically anywhere. This is because attraction requires more than just connection. It requires sexual tension which of course only comes from being comfortable with our sexuality.

Let’s try not to be relationship coach. Let us disagree with them, get physical with them, have some desire language and don’t come running whenever he calls. When a guy is looking at you romantically, he’s always wondering what sex is like with you, even before the first date.

I don’t fuck friends, if ever we are intimate that meant you are someone special to me. Or I can call whenever there is a need haha

#13- Invest and test

Don’t invest in a guy on how much you like them, invest based on how much they invest in you. I did this wrongly before when I was doing a lot for a guy and he did nothing because I was already doing everything for him. I realized that I overinvested because I was in love for someone’s potential instead of a person in front of me.

I have seen this over and over to my friends who were not even in a relationship but chose their dates over friends. It is such a very needy behavior. I actually get turned off as a friend that another friend is doing this.

This is not a game, it is just smart dating. Men like to be around with women they have earned not the girl he will keep stringing along and bend backwards in order to please him.

#14 – Texting in early stages of dating

I met a lot of guys who only text to validate themselves -the emoji guys, the people who text you after a week and say they miss you, the guys who respond after 2 days.

I used to feel frustrated when men didn’t respond promptly to my messages or seemed disengaged early on. It stemmed from my own insecurities at the time. But I’ve come to realize that these guys hardly knew me well enough to invest deeply. After all, we only crossed paths on dating apps or in bars a few weeks ago. They didn’t have the chance to discover how much happiness I could bring into their lives. It doesn’t mean these men are inherently bad; they simply aren’t interested in me at the moment. Now, I don’t dwell on it or waste my time replying to them. I simply move forward, focusing my energy on more promising connections.

Texting for me is only for entertainment (involves flirting, sending cute photos, letting him know that you are thinking of him, any romantic texts that make his heart soar and making each other laugh) and logistics (when to see each other next). Idle chit-chat is saved for in person meeting and phone conversation. Any other things are a waste of time.

#15 – Make him earn you

When a man is attracted to a woman, he should be affected by her and invested in her. That is the reason that we go to a relationship – to be touched and moved by others. That’s the fun of it! I don’t want to suck the fun of it.

Men need to impress you. They need to feel that they possess something special to the woman that they want to be around.

#16 – Get the bill

Men appreciate when their partner takes the initiative to pay on dates, as it signals a sense of partnership and mutual respect. It’s not necessarily about the actual payment, but the gesture itself holds significance for men. Personally, I find it off-putting when guys opt for “going Dutch” and don’t cover the bill. Men generally aim to impress their date, and I have a personal rule: I won’t engage intimately with someone who doesn’t even make an effort to impress me. It’s important to avoid dating men who don’t prioritize making a positive impression. By offering to pay, women convey that they are equal partners, not just someone indifferent to the relationship. Even if a guy is low on funds, he’ll find a way to make a memorable impression, even if it means a humble meal at a local eatery, all for the sake of impressing his date.

#17- Be an enigma

Adding an element of unpredictability can be incredibly enticing to a guy. I’ve observed this phenomenon among friends who, prior to entering relationships, led dynamic lives brimming with personal hobbies and interests. However, once they became romantically involved, they seemed to lose touch with what made them captivating, ultimately dimming their spark.

I’ve spent quite some time exploring this aspect of myself. I’m no longer content with just being the nice girl; I want to embody both kindness and a hint of mischief ;). It’s not enough to simply be smart; I strive to be intelligent and nurturing. I aim to blend allure with playfulness, humor with empathy. By showcasing various facets of my personality, I become a more intriguing and valuable individual. I want my partner to recognize that I’m not your average girl-next-door

We should not stop moving to our own rhythm just because we found someone.

#18 – Let’s talk about sex

I really don’t care how soon you have sex with a guy. Sex is a fragile thing in a relationship. I believe that we should not only be there for a guy emotionally but also sexually.

Sexual confidence isn’t solely about experience; it’s about embracing the pleasure of intimacy without inhibition. It’s the willingness to explore and enjoy the diversity that sex offers. To me, sex is like a thrilling game, and the bedroom serves as our safe haven, where we can freely indulge in our desires. Open communication and a willingness to try new things are vital. For many men, having their sexual needs met and being able to fulfill their fantasies is the ultimate dream. Keeping an open mind with a “never say never” attitude (while ensuring mutual respect and comfort) can lead to exciting and fulfilling experiences. Simply allowing for some dirty talk or expressing willingness to explore can ignite passion and deepen intimacy in the relationship.

#19 – Detach yourself from the outcome

Love is undoubtedly a profound source of happiness, but life extends far beyond romantic relationships. Engaging in dates and meeting new people isn’t just about seeking love; it’s about crafting a life that resonates with personal meaning. The endeavors we pursue to create a fulfilling life not only enhance our self-worth but also enrich every facet of our existence.

Embrace the adventure of living your life to the fullest. Let go of the weight of expectations and the constant pressure to find the perfect partner. Too often, people become exhausted by the dating scene because their sole focus is on finding that special someone. But dating is more than just a means to an end; it’s an integral part of the journey of self-discovery and personal growth. When you release yourself from the fixation on finding “the one,” you’ll find that the journey becomes more exciting and fulfilling, filled with opportunities for continuous self-improvement and exploration.

Desiring something often stems from a sense of lack within ourselves. That’s why it’s crucial to continually embrace self-improvement and believe in our own worth. When we prioritize personal growth, everything else falls into place naturally. Our love life flourishes, our friendships deepen, and we become more adept at setting and pursuing our personal goals. It’s not just a belief; it’s something I’ve seen firsthand.

#20- It’s not only physical but attitude

I used to tell myself that I wasn’t worthy, fit, or pretty enough—a self-criticism that weighed heavily on me. But those words felt unsettling because I would never utter them to another person. It’s high time I became my own cheerleader, offering encouragement and kindness to myself just as I would to others.

You can also work on yourself while dating.

I’ve come to understand that while physical appearance and demeanor are important, they’re not everything. I’ve observed many stunning individuals struggle to find the relationships they desire simply because they rely solely on their looks. It’s easy for attractive people to become complacent, focusing solely on their exterior while neglecting other aspects of their lives. However, there’s so much more to life than just a pretty face, and it’s essential to invest in personal growth and development beyond physical appearance.

#21- Make him a man and he will treat you as his woman

Men are drawn to women who make them feel like they’re the ultimate guy, elevating their confidence and sense of importance. Confident men thrive on feeling valued and esteemed in your presence. By tapping into his masculinity, you amplify your own femininity, creating a dynamic that’s both magnetic and captivating. Some women hesitate to bolster a man’s confidence too much, fearing it might fuel his ego and drive him elsewhere. However, I disagree with this mindset. Making a man feel truly special isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a demonstration of your ability to cultivate a deep, meaningful connection.

The more he can be 100% around you, the more irreplaceable you are in every way in his mind. I always find someone special when I can feel the most free and I would want my guy to feel this way too when he is with me.

#22- Be independent of him

Most people are starving to receive something from a man that they need to give to themselves.

Don’t try to change a guy. If he has plans to see his guy friends, let him be. Have a life of your own apart of him. It will look you more interesting. When he is always free to go, he will feel lucky. And so are you.

Sharing with yourself with someone does not mean just occupying the same area physically. It means opening up about your values, desires, feelings and dreams.

#23 Value your time

My greatest fear isn’t losing someone; it’s wasting time with the wrong person. I’ve honed my ability to swiftly remove incompatible individuals from my life, and I’ve never looked back with regret. By efficiently cutting ties with the wrong guys, I clear the path for love to find me sooner. Getting adept at ditching the wrong partners sooner can expedite the journey to finding the right one.

Men are already telling you what they want early on – pay attention. When it comes to love, men and women have different timetables.

I don’t jump the gun and run to a relationship mode. I like to grow things organically. Some guys may panic when you rush into a relationship or when you move things too quickly.

#24- Don’t pretend you like casual

I have met a lot of men who were into casual sex, I like it too but it gets really boring and predictable. Most men who do this too are not really that exciting. I will never be excited for a guy who only wants me for sex.

Some people I know tend to fall into the casual dating trap and remain stuck there for a long time. I can empathize because I’ve been in that situation before. I’ve learned to pay close attention to people’s words and actions. For me, consistency between what someone says and what they do is crucial. If they genuinely like me, their words and actions will align. These are the two guiding principles I always follow: listening to both what someone says and what they do.

When someone tells you they don’t want commitment but treats you as if you’re in a relationship, it’s important to heed their words, not just their actions. Many men I’ve encountered tend to express reluctance towards commitment early on, often to avoid being perceived as dishonest or leading someone on. They’ve likely faced criticism in the past for not being upfront about their intentions, so they strive to be transparent from the start. By clearly stating their reluctance to commit, they give you the opportunity to make an informed decision about your own desires and boundaries.

When men tell you they like you but treat you like a piece of shit – A total waste of time.

#25- The right guy

A meaningful relationship is certainly worth pursuing, but it’s not the sole source of meaning in my life. If I don’t have it, there’s still plenty of other fulfilling aspects to focus on. And if I do find it, it becomes a wonderful addition to my life. I refuse to limit myself or close off opportunities to meet new people just because it’s the status quo.

The right guy is the right guy because he will always choose me whatever the circumstances. We will choose each other. 🙂

Love,

Maria, sometimes Niskie